In the Morning

Dear Reading Community,

There are moments in our lives when we make mistakes.  Poor decisions, words spoken in the heat of the moment, or choosing to live a destructive life for a period of time are things that we often come to regret later in life.  The consequences of these mistakes can be significant, sometimes even disastrous.  The effects often spread outward, harming family, friends, communities, and strangers.  But one effect that is oftentimes ignored or seen as being of secondary importance is the effect that that these errors can have on our own lives.  Of course, we immediately see the negative effect of physical harm, but what about the internal damage caused by the long-term effects of our mistakes?  Those will often go unnoticed, silently devastating our lives.

In her novel, “In the Morning”, Pasquel Jordan develops the idea that the mistakes we make in our youth can negatively affect who we grow up to be.  Thankfully, though, Jordan does not leave the reader stranded hopelessly in the gutter of life, but also goes on to bring encouragement and hope that we can change our lives at any time, if we want to.  The novel begins by introducing the reader to the protagonist, Sandy White.  Early into the first chapter, the reader is told that “[O]n her 10^th birthday, Sandy was faced [with] a harsh reality that not only changed the way she looked at the world, but the way she looked at herself”.  Without spoiling the book for those of you who have yet to read it, Sandy’s reaction to this “harsh reality” was a series of rash choices and years of destructive behaviour that nearly killed her on more than one occasion.  It is easy to blame “life” or “God” or “Fate” for all the bad things that happen to us, but regardless of our religious beliefs, and regardless of the events that happen that are beyond our control, we must recognize that most times it is our reaction to these events that truly defines who we become.  It is the mistakes we make in these moments that can negatively impact us.  In Sandy’s case, she became a rebellious teenager who went on to become a drug addict and alcoholic.  She was on a path to total destruction.  “For too many years, she held on to the bad.  She let pain consume her and eat her alive”.

But there is hope!  Jordan’s book is a Christian novel that explicitly attributes the possibility of change to having a personal relationship with God.  It cannot be overlooked how religion and faith can impact a person’s life.  However, whether you are a Christian or not, there are also implicit ideas that can give you hope for overcoming the mistakes of yesteryears. One of these is the ability to forgive.  What do you do when others wrong you or you hurt yourself?  Are you capable of forgiveness in order to reconcile the relationship?  And can you forgive yourself to allow yourself to move beyond the guilt of the past and look toward the hope of the future?  Another idea presented by Jordan that can bring help you change your life is the need for making amends for past mistakes.  You need to reflect on those mistakes and find a way to make up for them.  What I like about this novel is that it stresses the importance of making amends for your own benefit rather than for the benefit of others.  Jordan correctly points out that often times there is “nothing [we] can ever say or do [to] possibly help after what [we] have done”.  The healing of making amends happens within yourself; the act of owning up to your mistakes can make you whole again and wash away the guilt.

Even after Sandy hits rock bottom, devastating the lives of others and finding herself on death’s door on more than one occasion, even after finding forgiveness from those she hurt and from God, Sandy still struggles with the affects of her choices.  Having been rejected by so many people in her life, one struggle Sandy faces is that of self-criticism.  She constantly looks at herself in a negative light and “whenever she received a compliment, she immediately began to pick herself apart, bit by bit”.  While she may not be the rebellious teen she once was, she still struggles with seeing herself as worthy of friendship and love.  Another affect Sandy still struggles with is the strangle-hold that alcohol had on her life.  When faced with difficult situations and haunting memories, Sandy’s first impulse is to drink “to calm her nerves”.    Her realization that “I don’t need alcohol or drugs to get me through life anymore” is a powerful one, but it is clear that we will continue to struggle for a long time with the poor choices we make, even after making amends.

The novel takes place many years later as Sandy is preparing for her wedding the next day.  Despite her memories of the past, Sandy decides to “rejoice in the happiness she found.”  Sandy is making new choices, choices that will lead to happiness rather than heartbreak, and the “thought of her upcoming wedding . . . filled [her] with a sense of hope.”  So much so that “she felt her soul was at peace”.

This hopefulness is important for the reader to recognize.  It doesn’t matter what poor choices we have made in the past.  It doesn’t matter how we have lived a life plagued by guilt.  It doesn’t matter that we have suffered internally through all of these things.  What does matter is that we don’t have to continue living this way. 

The notion of being able to forgive myself is an important one in my life.  I struggle with some mistakes from my past and I hold on to those mistakes, just as Sandy did for so long.  One of the biggest regrets of my life is the decision I made to let my four-month-old daughter cry in her crib while I had an evening nap myself, instead of going to pick her up.  That was the last opportunity I had to hold my baby girl, because she died of SIDS as I slept in the next room.  The guilt that I have felt over the years has not been lessened by assurances from others that whether I had held her or not, there is no known cause of, symptoms for, or prevention of SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome was a harsh reality that I had to deal with.  It was not something that was within my control.  But my reactions were.  I quit Bible School, resented myself, and let my faith slowly dwindle away.  While over the last couple years I have tried to find hope again, I still struggle often with the effects of my own decisions.  I often need to remind myself that this was not my fault.  I need to find it within to truly forgive myself and find again the true peace that comes from a close and personal relationship with God.