In the Morning

Dear Reading Community,

There are moments in our lives when we make mistakes.  Poor decisions, words spoken in the heat of the moment, or choosing to live a destructive life for a period of time are things that we often come to regret later in life.  The consequences of these mistakes can be significant, sometimes even disastrous.  The effects often spread outward, harming family, friends, communities, and strangers.  But one effect that is oftentimes ignored or seen as being of secondary importance is the effect that that these errors can have on our own lives.  Of course, we immediately see the negative effect of physical harm, but what about the internal damage caused by the long-term effects of our mistakes?  Those will often go unnoticed, silently devastating our lives.

In her novel, “In the Morning”, Pasquel Jordan develops the idea that the mistakes we make in our youth can negatively affect who we grow up to be.  Thankfully, though, Jordan does not leave the reader stranded hopelessly in the gutter of life, but also goes on to bring encouragement and hope that we can change our lives at any time, if we want to.  The novel begins by introducing the reader to the protagonist, Sandy White.  Early into the first chapter, the reader is told that “[O]n her 10^th birthday, Sandy was faced [with] a harsh reality that not only changed the way she looked at the world, but the way she looked at herself”.  Without spoiling the book for those of you who have yet to read it, Sandy’s reaction to this “harsh reality” was a series of rash choices and years of destructive behaviour that nearly killed her on more than one occasion.  It is easy to blame “life” or “God” or “Fate” for all the bad things that happen to us, but regardless of our religious beliefs, and regardless of the events that happen that are beyond our control, we must recognize that most times it is our reaction to these events that truly defines who we become.  It is the mistakes we make in these moments that can negatively impact us.  In Sandy’s case, she became a rebellious teenager who went on to become a drug addict and alcoholic.  She was on a path to total destruction.  “For too many years, she held on to the bad.  She let pain consume her and eat her alive”.

But there is hope!  Jordan’s book is a Christian novel that explicitly attributes the possibility of change to having a personal relationship with God.  It cannot be overlooked how religion and faith can impact a person’s life.  However, whether you are a Christian or not, there are also implicit ideas that can give you hope for overcoming the mistakes of yesteryears. One of these is the ability to forgive.  What do you do when others wrong you or you hurt yourself?  Are you capable of forgiveness in order to reconcile the relationship?  And can you forgive yourself to allow yourself to move beyond the guilt of the past and look toward the hope of the future?  Another idea presented by Jordan that can bring help you change your life is the need for making amends for past mistakes.  You need to reflect on those mistakes and find a way to make up for them.  What I like about this novel is that it stresses the importance of making amends for your own benefit rather than for the benefit of others.  Jordan correctly points out that often times there is “nothing [we] can ever say or do [to] possibly help after what [we] have done”.  The healing of making amends happens within yourself; the act of owning up to your mistakes can make you whole again and wash away the guilt.

Even after Sandy hits rock bottom, devastating the lives of others and finding herself on death’s door on more than one occasion, even after finding forgiveness from those she hurt and from God, Sandy still struggles with the affects of her choices.  Having been rejected by so many people in her life, one struggle Sandy faces is that of self-criticism.  She constantly looks at herself in a negative light and “whenever she received a compliment, she immediately began to pick herself apart, bit by bit”.  While she may not be the rebellious teen she once was, she still struggles with seeing herself as worthy of friendship and love.  Another affect Sandy still struggles with is the strangle-hold that alcohol had on her life.  When faced with difficult situations and haunting memories, Sandy’s first impulse is to drink “to calm her nerves”.    Her realization that “I don’t need alcohol or drugs to get me through life anymore” is a powerful one, but it is clear that we will continue to struggle for a long time with the poor choices we make, even after making amends.

The novel takes place many years later as Sandy is preparing for her wedding the next day.  Despite her memories of the past, Sandy decides to “rejoice in the happiness she found.”  Sandy is making new choices, choices that will lead to happiness rather than heartbreak, and the “thought of her upcoming wedding . . . filled [her] with a sense of hope.”  So much so that “she felt her soul was at peace”.

This hopefulness is important for the reader to recognize.  It doesn’t matter what poor choices we have made in the past.  It doesn’t matter how we have lived a life plagued by guilt.  It doesn’t matter that we have suffered internally through all of these things.  What does matter is that we don’t have to continue living this way. 

The notion of being able to forgive myself is an important one in my life.  I struggle with some mistakes from my past and I hold on to those mistakes, just as Sandy did for so long.  One of the biggest regrets of my life is the decision I made to let my four-month-old daughter cry in her crib while I had an evening nap myself, instead of going to pick her up.  That was the last opportunity I had to hold my baby girl, because she died of SIDS as I slept in the next room.  The guilt that I have felt over the years has not been lessened by assurances from others that whether I had held her or not, there is no known cause of, symptoms for, or prevention of SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome was a harsh reality that I had to deal with.  It was not something that was within my control.  But my reactions were.  I quit Bible School, resented myself, and let my faith slowly dwindle away.  While over the last couple years I have tried to find hope again, I still struggle often with the effects of my own decisions.  I often need to remind myself that this was not my fault.  I need to find it within to truly forgive myself and find again the true peace that comes from a close and personal relationship with God.

Ten Big Ones

Dear Reading Community, 

Fear can be paralyzing; I know this from first-hand experience. It is a gut-wrenching, humiliating, demoralizing feeling. It doesn't help to know that fear is a defensive mechanism designed for self-preservation, nor does it help to know that it is an emotion everyone feels from time to time: Fear is an unpleasant, sometimes harmful, sometimes beneficial feeling that is a part of the human experience. Learning to cope with fear, however, while difficult, is possible and beneficial.

In her novel, Ten Big Ones, Janet Evanovich develops a character named Stephanie Plum who teaches us that, while fear may be an emotion that can cripple, it can also be controlled. Throughout the novel, Stephanie's life is in constant danger. At one point in the story, Stephanie was involved in a high-speed car chase, following a dangerous criminal. Sweating from exertion, she comments to the reader that she was afraid: ". . . some of the sweat was from fear. I was on the brink of losing control of the car. And I was worried about Gazarra, all by himself, in front of me" (chapter 2). Despite her fear, Stephanie continued her pursuit of the criminal. Her concern for her friend in the car ahead of her, between her and the the man they were chasing, drove her to push her fear aside and seek to offer her assistance. Moments later, The criminal open fired with an automatic weapon, hitting Gazarra. While others around her dove for cover, Stephanie, paralyzed with fear, froze, stunned, and unable to move. Realizing her friend had been hit, however, forced the fear from Stephanie, and she rushed forward to help. Concern for others can allow a person to control their fear, even fear that cripples one's self when facing personal danger. This is something that Stephanie has learned to do over time.


Ten Big Ones is the tenth novel in a series featuring Stephanie. She was not always so in control of her emotions. The need, and possibility to control fear is further expounded upon by Evanovich, when Stephanie comments that she "didn't want the fear to grab hold of [her]. Careful was good. Scared was counterproductive" (chapter 7). Controlling fear is necessary in order to continue on despite the fear, and to do what needs to be done in the given situation. In this case, the fear she feels is a warning to Stephanie to be careful and take precautions, but she is able to control the fear from becoming a detrimental factor that would prevent her from fulfilling her obligations. In this instance, it wasn't until later on, after completing her task, that Stephanie allowed herself to feel and consider the fear. When she did, though, she approached her fear as a reflection of what had happened and how she responded. Coming face-to-face with the man who wanted to you would be a fear-filled moment for most anyone, but for Stephanie, while being understandably shaky on the inside, being calm and brave outwardly was a matter of importance. When a contract killer named Junkman approached her, she understood that men like this feed off fear; they find a perverse pleasure and power in scaring their victims before murdering them. knowing this, Stephanie is able to control her fear in order to rob Junkman of some of his power, she is able to assess the situation to glean insight into her attacker, and she is able to maintain composure and survive the ordeal. Once again, it should be noted that after she is safely past the initial,incident, Stephanie allows herself to fully feel the fear, breaking into sobs and self-reflection. Coming to terms with the physical threat and accompanying fear forces her to consider other fears she has in life, namely expressing love for a man she has in her life. There is more fear than simply fearing for your physical safety; it is important to recognize the emotional and relational fears we harbour. Though, like the physical fears, there is a time and place to deal with these fears, and a time when they need to be set aside for your overall benefit.

In my own life, I can relate to the ideas presented by Evanovich about fear. There have been times when I have been afraid for my own personal safety and allowed that to control my actions. While I no longer remember, or have blocked out some of the details, I had the opportunity to try to apprehend a man who attempted to steal a woman's minivan, that still had her kids in it. By the time I could have gotten involved, the situation had already rectified itself, but I froze, was paralyzed, when I could have chased after the man and waited for police to arrive. I did nothing, much to my shame, and allowed the man to flee the scene. I had been afraid. Afraid for my own safety, and afraid of not knowing how to respond--physical altercations are not something I am comfortable with. I would like to think that had anyone been in any danger, that I would have been able to control my fear and intervene. I take a small amount of splice in the fact that my involvement would have come after the safety of others was solidified, but, though this was over a decade ago, I ashamed for not controlling my fear better in that moment. I can also relate, unfortunately to overcoming fear in order to deal with an immediate situation, then to become fully emerged in the fear afterward. When the bus accident happened a few months ago, I was one of the first on scene. There was a student who was believed to be seriously injured and I needed to help. This is not a situation I am comfortable with and, after witnessing my own 4-month-old daughter's deceased body and performing mouth-to-mouth on her, I was not emotionally capable of setting aside the fear that I might need to witness the death of another girl--or so I thought. I was afraid, but I was able to control my fear and assist in every way I could. Thankfully, injuries I were relatively minor, but I suffered from the effects of the fear for several days afterward, and still have frequent moments where the fear of what "could happen" floods my emotions.

We are all influenced by fear. There is no escaping it. Evanovich wants us to understand that despite the inevitability of being scared, we can control our fears when the situation requires it. It may not happen the first time or the second time, and we may need to really desire to overcome the fear, but it is possible. Guilt and shame from failing to overcome fear may help us succeed the next time. Knowing the safety of others depends on us may urge us to temporarily set aside our fears. In times of fear, it is important to consider there may be benefits, for ourselves and others, to controlling our fears; however, it will be important to reflect on our fears once the situation is resolved.


***This is an adult fiction, suspense genre novel.  It is not literary, or a classic, or any other text that I would consider writing an essay on for school.  However, it is still possible to identify a significant idea from the text and to develop it in a specific and thoughtful manner.  Try to narrow your topics down some rather than attempting to cover an entire broad topic.  This will help you focus your book journal, and will show thoughtfulness and insightfulness.

***It should also be noted that "Fear" is just one of many significant ideas that I could have chosen to discuss from this novel.  Other topics may have included: gender roles, gang violence, and knowing your own limitations.  I chose "fear" because I knew I had a strong personal connection I could use to further develop the topic.